Bitchology

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I should' be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I
hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch , so be it!

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B - Beautiful
I - Intelligent
T - Talented
C - Charming
H - Hell of a Woman

B - Beautiful
I - Individual
T - That
C - Can
H - Handle anything

Reason Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for
a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

Allah of Me...Why Not Take Allah of Me?

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes..........BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts ascending.

After an hour or so of climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes and a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

" Excuse me, Sir," he says. "Are you Mohammed?"

" No," replies the old man. "I am St. Peter. Mohammed is further up the stairs."

"But this is great news," exclaims the bomber. "Mohammed is higher than St. Peter! I can hardly believe it!"

He continues ascending the stairs. After another hour of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene-looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me, Sir," he says. "Are you Mohammed?"

"No," replies the man. "I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up the stairs."

"But this is amazing news," exclaims the bomber. "Mohammed is even higher than Jesus! Martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this, he continues ascending the stairs.

After two hours of hard climbing, he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne, is another old man with flowing white robes, a beard, and long white hair.

"Excuse me, Sir," he says. "Are you Mohammed?"

"No," replies the old man. "I am God."

"But this is incredible news!" screams the bomber.

"Mohammed is higher than God even!! I am so excited, I can't believe it! Martyrdom is thrilling!!"

"You look tired, my son," says God. "Would you like to sit down and rest a while?"

"Oh yes," replies the bomber. "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you."

The bomber sits and God says, "You look thirsty, my son . Would you like a cup of coffee?"

"Oh yes, please," replies the bomber. "I am most thirsty, thank you."

With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts,

"Oy, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!!"

Albino Peacock

Doesn't it look like a big snowflake?

Why Animals Hate Halloween

Now I ask you...how would YOU feel??

Smile for It...

Smile


A little girl walked to and from school daily.
The weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary
school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that
her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school
and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm
her child.

Following each roar of thunder, lightning, like a
flaming sword, would cut through the sky.

Full of concern, the mother quickly Got into her car
and drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking
along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look
up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly and with
each the little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her,
"What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"

The child answered,"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's
a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring 'My darring,'
he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I
pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you
want.
You juss ask... So... Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try
something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtables?'

Thoughts on Getting Old

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.




I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?



I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.



I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.


I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.



Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.



I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.


As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.



So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

He Has Alotta Gull...

You have to click the picture to watch the show in another window but it's worth the click.


So, this bird walks into a store...




A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

My Living Will

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.


She's such a bitch...

FDA Seeks Names for Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.