Picking on Men

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to
him brag about the screwing part.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women .. ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals".

Hotel Logic

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to
use this logic...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on he road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on
the
road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the
hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But
we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $50."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Three Pigs Go to Dinner

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all
the way home!"

One Flaw in Women

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

The King's Four Wives

The King and his 4 Wives

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He
loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her
to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her
off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would
leave him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always
kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem,
he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult
times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great
contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not
love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice
of her.

One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He
thought of his luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four wives with me,
but when I die, I'll be all alone."

Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed
you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm
dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" repl ied the 4th
wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp
knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my
life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!"
replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!"
His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help
and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and
keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the
2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no
matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She
was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatly
grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I
had the chance!"

In truth, we all have 4 life partners in our lives: Our 4th
partner is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making
it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd partner is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd partner is our family and friends. No matter how much they
have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st partner is our Soul, often neglected in pursuit of
wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, our Soul is the only
thing that will follow us wherever we go.

Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part
of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your
knees, you're in the perfect pos ition to pray.

Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.

Housekeeping Philosophy

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ...

I love birds

and don't want one to run into a clean window

and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ...

I am terrified a guest

will slip and get hurt

then I'll feel terrible

( plus they may sue me.)



I don't mind the dust bunnies because

They are very good company,

I have named most of them,

and they agree with everything I say.



I don't disturb cobwebs because .

I want every creature

to have a home of their own.



I don't Spring Clean because ...

I love all the seasons

and don't want the others

to get jealous.



I don't pull weeds

in the garden because ..

I don't want to get

in God's way,

HE is an excellent designer!



I don't put things away because ...

My husband

will never be able

to find them again.



I don't do gourmet meals

when I entertain

because ...

I don't want my guests

to stress out over what

to make when

they invite me

over for dinner.







I don't iron because ..

I choose to believe them

when they say "Permanent Press".




I don't stress much on anything because ..



"A Type" personalities

die young

and I want to stick around

and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!







REMEMBER





Please SHARE this humor with other important Ladies ! ! ! !

Screening for Bird Flu

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu. If you experience all of the following,please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Friendship Summary

THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't call when they say they will.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.


BUT.....
Girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how
many miles are between you.
A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can
reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have
to walk it by yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim,
cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on
your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.


Girlfriends, daughters, daughter-in-laws, sisters, sisters-in-law,


mother, mother-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, bless our life!



The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I.



When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no
idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.



Nor did we
know how much we would need each other.









Every day, we need each other still.
Pass this on to the women who help make your life work.
I just did

UCLA Study

A very interesting study.
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.

The Scientist Talks to God

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we don't

need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing; in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and form it into the
likeness of you, and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting ... show Me, " says God.

So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil
into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no ." interrupts God, "GET YOUR OWN DIRT."

Any questions?

The Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr." the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Where Do Pets Come From?

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis
has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the
garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are
lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that
will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too
well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who
will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve
gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme
beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

I LOVE IT! 

You're a Good Egg! 

Ain't It The Truth? LOL 

Paying My Taxes

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws are enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.? Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?



Giving the finger before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.? Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").?



Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!? "PLUCK YEW!"



Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually hanged to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!?



It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."



IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!



And yew thought yew knew everything!

Female Prayer and Male Prayer

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with great boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Another Blonde Joke

While riding a bus, a blonde was reading the newspaper and the
headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "About how many is a brazilian?"

Good Reasons to NOT be a Penis

1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
And my personal favorite...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

A Killer Prescription

A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law.
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of
bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the
picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription!"

Scrabble Gone Wild

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM




PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER



SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S



A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE




ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Mike and Maurine Go to Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have
accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian
couple
and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they
make
money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the
night and
experience one another's styles!

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips.
He's
got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch
think.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite
impressively
long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
unit
grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to
the woman!

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad,
passionate
love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How
about
you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept
slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears!"

The Cinderella Ending You Never Knew

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.


Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Things to Think About

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Jail Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for
15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there the husband tells his wife:" Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time
in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you."

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.



On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)



====================================



On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================



On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)




============================



On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================



On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


=======================


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)



==============================


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


===========================



On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)




==============================




On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


==========================


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================



On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


==========================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


========================

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...



=============================


****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****

My Hut is on Fire!

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me?" he cried.


Early the next day he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.


It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember this the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.


You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels like their hut is on fire today.

Aggie Engineers

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and
laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Ten Commandments of Working in a Hostile Environment

1. Understand that God anoints you for trouble.
Be sure you are a Christian. Put on the armor of God before going to work.

2. Don't expect to be appreciated.
Your only expectation should be to get a paycheck.
Don't come to work to have personal relationships.
Don't allow what you do to affect who you are.

3. Do your job well, but remember your mission.
God put you there to be a light.

4. Seek opportunities to change the atmosphere without commenting on the problems.
You have a God to talk to. You're on an assignment.
In quietness and competence shall be your strength.

5. Don't let your environment get inside of you.
You should influence it, not let it influence you. Stop going to work to be fed-you didn't come to receive, you came to give.

6. Increase your capacity to work with different personalities.
God will often bless you through people you don't even like!

7. Remember where you are does not define where you are going.
This will deliver you from frustration. God has a plan for your life. Keep your eye on the prize. When Peter did this, he was able to walk in what other people sank in!

8. Get the optimum results with minimal confusion.
Be effective without making the environmental worse.

9. Don't be associated with one group or clique.
Labels limit your usefulness. God wants you to work with everybody but be labeled by nobody. Use all your gifts.

10. Always keep your song near you.
Keep a consecrated place in your soul. Hold on to your praise.

Ouch! That Had to Hurt!

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for sometime
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes," she replies, "he's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody
could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30 PM Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

Mathematical View of Life


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:



What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:



If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z



is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:



H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%





and



K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,



A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



And,



B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.



A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

The LIttle Things

As you might know, the head of the company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.


Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.


One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.


One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because of an auto accident.


One of them
missed his bus. !


One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
time to change.


One's
car wouldn't start.


One went back to
answer the telephone.


One had a
child that dawdled

and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.


One couldn't
get a taxi.


The one that struck me was the man
who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work
but before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.

He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am
stuck in traffic,
miss an elevator,
turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
all the little things that annoy me.

I think to myself,
this is exactly where
God wants me to be
at this very moment..


Next time your morning seems to be
going wrong,
the children are slow getting dressed,
you can't seem to find the car keys,
you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you
with all those annoying little things
and may you remember their possible purpose.

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to
do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style". The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They
will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"George Strait Sucks"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Official Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and

local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any

woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."



The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes

in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by

female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims

to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume

a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached

sex.



Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several

beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific

looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.



After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories

of exactly what happened to them the night before,

often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.





At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of

their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In

extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the

unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and

punishment referred to as "marriage."



Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is

administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.



Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you

fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,

there are male support groups where you can discuss the details

of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.



For the support group nearest you,

just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.



For a video to see how beer works click here:

A Little Note from the Far Side

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey,"
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny.

Google Earth is Awesome

This free program from google is so much fun and so informative. It's a small download and guaranteed to help you waste hours upon hours of time in the pursuit of knowledge.

Download Google Earth Here!


Once downloaded you can also join the Google Earth Community for free (optionally) which is just a bunch of cool people from all over the world who have shared places of interest for the general public.

Hope you enjoy!

Any questions, email me.

Learn to Speak Chinese in 5 Minutes

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
You Must Read Out Loud.

1) That's not right .................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................. Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............... Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ..................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet .............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Now don't you feel smarter already????

Diet Concerns

CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



· CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Careful Where You Put That Thing

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every
once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag... "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Things I've Learned ...

Cute website with some off the wall things....


Click here to be transported to the page.

Enjoy....

Think Before You Speak

Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident? "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story...We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh!

What A Difference 100 Years Makes

THE YEAR 1905
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1905.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most! Populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and

A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza

2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease

5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn`t been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn`t been invented yet.

There was no Mother`s Day or Father`s Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn`t read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

It staggers the mind.

Women Are Smart!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in
mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " Wow, just look
at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a
sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, there's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil b**ches. Don't mess with
us!

The Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the phone!!!

Time Matters

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

To everyone I sent this to - "Thanks for your time".

Accident Play by Play

READ THE STORY FIRST...


On a recent Spurs trip, we were asking one of our sponsors who works at Jack in the Box some funny stories or experiences with the company.

The funniest story he had was when an operations manager was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running behind. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident.

After telling us the story, he promised to send us a copy of the voice mail and here it is. This is the actual voice mail message. It was passed along and forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server.


Listen:

(The above is a 4mb download but well worth it!)

Perks of Being Over the Hill

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 :00 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses .

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Pedro's Story

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.
The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

Wal-Mart's Husband Store

A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas,
where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the
store operates. There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes
of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch ... As you open the door to any floor you
may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads : Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the
housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Wall-Mart's Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building - and have a nice day!

Watch out for Scams

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely Tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young man comes up. With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield. While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.

Secret to a Happy Marriage

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married, she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Pilot Greeting

If there's ever any trouble and I'm flying...I want this guy as my pilot!




Click here.

Somebody Said...

Somebody said that a child is carried in its mother's
womb for nine months. Somebody does not know that a
child is carried in its mother's heart forever.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
normal after you've had a baby. Somebody doesn't

know that once you're a mother, normal is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct. Somebody never took a three-year-old
shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring. Somebody
never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a
driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child
will "turn out good." Somebody thinks a child comes
with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices.
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to
see her child throw a basketball through the
neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother. Somebody never helped a fourth grader with
their math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much
as you love the first. Somebody doesn't have five
children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her
child-rearing questions in the books. Somebody never
had a child stuff beans up their nose.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is
labor and delivery. Somebody never watched her "baby"
get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes
closed and one hand tied behind her back. Somebody
never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell
cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married. Somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home. Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you
don't need to tell her. Somebody isn't a mother

Surviving A Financial Crisis


A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was very well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?

New Living Will Form for consideration:


I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for:
(initial all that apply)

_________ a marguerita,

_________ a beer,

_________ narcotics,

_________ the remote control, or

_________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
appointed representative
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the
tubes and call it
a day.
Under no circumstances shall my fate be put in the
hands of bonehead
politicians. I want no special law enacted to keep me
on life support.
It is my wish that our elected officials mind their
own darn business
and pay attention instead to the future of the
millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

Signature:___________________________

Date: ___________________________

Witness: ___________________________

Fun Day in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..



Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."



Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."



Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."



Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."



Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."



Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."



Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."



The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About


1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would
die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they
want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if
they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to
sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good
comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take
a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you
want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably,
sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about
the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel
much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know
that they are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life
to forget them.

Take the time... to live and love.

Lil Johnny and Marriage

Jenny and Johnny are 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to
him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever
heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two
live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there
nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and
that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so
much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky
so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore

You're from Texas if...........



1. You can properly pronounce
Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Mexia, Waco,and Amarillo.
2. You think that people who complain about the wind in
their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. You refer to the capital of Texas as "Home of
the Longhorns." (HOOK'EM HORNS!!)
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
20. You know which state Miam-uh is in.......and which states Miam-ee is in.
21.You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed,Crew Cab is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard or had this conversation: "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

The Miracle of Toilet Paper


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for A few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper, stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

The Blonde in the Elevator

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.

World's Thinnest Books



FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda


MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno


HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver


MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton


MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden


THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman


MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore


AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS


DETROIT: a Travel Guide


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian


ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes


GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson


SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA



THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY



MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy


And the world's Number One Thinnest Book


MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

What Do YOU Want Out of Life?

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All
I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

Good mainners is always welkum in any cirkumstaince! Heers
sum good lessuns fer ya!

Miss Manners (Rural Edition)

IN GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the
paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good
his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.


DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

MOVIE THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests
have proven that they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS


1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun
is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

New Prescription a "Breakthrough".

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any
of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss
of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry
mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

NEW CAR

I just got my new Lexus RX400h a few days ago, and I returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.



The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.



"Watch this! He said, Nelson



The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie/"



"Willie!" He continued....and On the Road Again came from the speakers.



I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles!"

I'd get one of their awesome songs.



One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

"ASSHOLES!" I yelled....The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....

I LOVE this car.

Picking on Men

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to
him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women .. ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals".

A Man's Prayer is Answered

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman:
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
"You got pregnant last night."