He Has Alotta Gull...

You have to click the picture to watch the show in another window but it's worth the click.


So, this bird walks into a store...




A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

My Living Will

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.


She's such a bitch...

FDA Seeks Names for Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Redneck Pick up Lines

Not to be used by amateurs...professionals only please....


1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til' afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

The State Trooper on Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about
2
miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah
to do
a Christmas show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be
late.


The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car
and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them
and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol
car. A good old boy, from S.C., with a little too much Christmas
spirits
got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the
patrol
car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,
opened
the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no
way
in hell I can pass that test.'

Men Are...

1. Men are like .Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ..Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Hospital Communication is So Important

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical
procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Credit Card Companies Suck

Sadly this probably happened altho I received in email so cannot substantiate the validity of the sotry...




Credit Cards after Death..........
(This is what is called tenacity.)

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has
been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and
charges still apply."

(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I
don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery ,
Highway 129, Plot Number 69." ;

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

PRICELESS!!

Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe
blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

The 3 Hikers ( a good woman story)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

The $100 Tattoo

The $100 TATTOO
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,
says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.? Two,once in a while I like to play with my money.Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital!

3 Women in Mexico

Three women in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from
Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and
nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their
knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I
believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and
release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from the University of FLORIDA and just graduated with
a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now,
ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Jeff Foxworthy's Thoughts on Texans

If someone in a store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you may live in Texas

If you've worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you probably
live in Texas .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you most likely live in Texas .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Ft. Worth for the
weekend, you probably live in Texas .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you
may live in Texas .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
both unlocked, you may live in Texas .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to
use them, you may live in Texas .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas .

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Texas .

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your
Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas