The Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 No Report

True Friendship!

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got some.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused --I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath ... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Remember .. A good friend will help you Move .. a REALLY good friend will help you move a body ... let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

The Pharmacist and The Cowboy

A Old Arizona Cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronc-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for
it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a
month living expenses."

Dick Cheney Quail Hunting School

Click the title to be transported to the fun flash game of Cheney's Hunting School.

A Jerusalem Vacation

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

Little Johnny ....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*****

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*****

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our Bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*****

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

*****

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

*****

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

*****

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Blonde Joke

While riding a bus, a blonde was reading the newspaper and the headline
blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad
news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "About
how many is a brazilian?

Scoobie Doobie Doobie

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

The Rancher's Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied
for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no
one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them

worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and
upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear
my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Shotgun Marriage Cajun Style

Shotgun Wedding, Cajun style!

Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she
thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and
crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to
know! I gonna kill that varmit!!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature
and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good
morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility."



"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin!"

20 Little Funnies

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartendersays, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

How to Say I LOVE YOU in 25 Languages

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....





English

I Love You



Spanish

Te Amo



French

Je T'aime



German

lch Liebe Dich



Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu



Thai

Phom rak khun



Italian

Ti amo



Chinese

Wo Ai Ni



Swedish

Jag Alskar





Alabama

Arkansas

Kansas

Oklahoma

Texas

North Carolina

South Carolina

Georgia

Tennessee

Missouri

Mississippi

Louisiana

Virginia

West Virginia

Kentucky

parts of Florida



Nice Ass, Get in the truck

Where's the Rake?

Funny Little Game called "Where's the Rake?"
(not child friendly but not truly obscene either)



The link won't work inside this text but click the title above and it should take you there!

Well Spent $10

*Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids
overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one
of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$! 10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try
one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the
money under the pillow."*

*Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under
the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you
each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.*

*I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma*."

Are You A Real Cowboy?

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

The Pasta Diet

The Pasta Diet

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after
all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart
attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.




_________________________________________________

Two Wolves

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between 2
"wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed."

Why Do Men Pee Standing Up?

Why Do Men Pee Standing Up?


God was just about done creating man, but he had
two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He
thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a
thing-a-mabob that would allow the owner to pee while
standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them,
"and I was wondering if either one of you had a
preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh,
please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do
that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man
should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and
on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really
wanted it so badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to
pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started
whizzing all over the place - - first on the side of a
rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he
tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - -
laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then
God said "Well I guess you are stuck with what I have
left"
Whats it called? asked Eve.
"Brains" said God.

The Cowboy and the City Slicker

The Cowboy and the City-Slicker




A west Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says
the cowboy. He watches the

young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says
to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says
the
cowboy.



"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know
anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."

Involuntary Muscle Contractions

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably duck hunting with his buddies."

Health Concerns Over Drinking Water

WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of Doo Doo.


However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or
other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermenting.


It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking
water, to STOP doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is
UNHEALTHY and BAD for you.


WATER = Doo Doo
ALCOHOL = HEALTH


Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink ALCOHOL!!!


It is better to drink alcohol and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and
be full of shit!
HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

Things to Think About

Love starts with a smile,
grows with a kiss,
and ends with a tear.


Don't cry over anyone
who won't cry over you.


Good friends are hard to find,
harder to leave,
and impossible to forget.


Don't let the past hold you back,
you're missing the good stuff.


BEST FRIENDS are the siblings
God forgot to give us.


When it hurts to look back,
and you're scared to look ahead,
you can look beside you
and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

Nobody is perfect
Until you fall in love with them


Send this on to everyone special in your life,
even the people who really make you mad sometimes
and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!


And send it back to the person who sent it to you
if they mean something to you!!


Remember, every minute spent angry is
sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

Bumper Sticker

One Liners to Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Political Humor

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry.

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and
says, "Nice trade, sir."

The Little Red Hen-- Modern Day Version

Once upon a time, on a farm in America, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did.

The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

"Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the
little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow.

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.

The pig just grunted in disdain.

And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as
much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor
with those who are lazy and idle,"

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand,"

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her
bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one
cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.


Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't
remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

The Cuckoo Clock

Why Females Should Avoid a "Girls Night Out" After They Are Married

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (cuz 3 + 9 = 12!) So smart!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem too upset at all. I was thinking....Whew! Got away with that. Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said, "well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then it said "Oh shit", and cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A Maxine Story

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!! . It never happens when I am on my own"

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is".

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; there's that terrible; smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".

3 Minute Management Course

3 Minute Management Course


Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The
eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the eagle and rested All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The
dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the three minute management course

Do YOU Have the Time?

The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"



Now do you have the time
to pass it on?

Bathroom Etiquette

Bathroom Etiquette

HOW TO POOP AT WORK!!

We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When tooting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full toot has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a toot that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the tooter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughingmakes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several toots slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with toots, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

Children

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)




To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"


"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"



"No Way!"







"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.



"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"


"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.




2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:


IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Never Lie to Your Mama

A Mexican Mother


Mrs. Cantu came to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female
roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice
how pretty Jose's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the
relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate
than meets the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Jose volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just
to be sure."

So he sends his Mom an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not
saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Jose

Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:

Mijo,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

MORAL: Never lie to your Mama

Maxine on Organization

Maxine on Aging

Maxine on Forgetfulness

Maxine on Doctors

Swearing at Work Memo

Swearing at work Memo



Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.


1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.


3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!


6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.


8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.



10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?


11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.


15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.


17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?


18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.


Thank You, Human Resources

DUI Kentucky Style

DUI - KENTUCKY STYLE

Only a person in Kentucky could think of this. From the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Harlan, Kentucky.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find
his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off-! -it was a fine, dry summer night--,
flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn
and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as

some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly
down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now
started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."

Learn to Speak Hick in One Easy Lesson

Hickbonics:
please say outloud as you get the true effect of each word that way

ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a
fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex
hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off".
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.
nekkid: to be unclothed.
ole well: a source of petroleum.
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).
paypuh: what you write on.
shevuhlay: a General Motors car.
spearmint: something scientists do.
stow: establishment where things are sold.
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.
zackly: precisely

The Cowboy and the Preacher

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After
the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was
brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too,
I didn't know we had a choice."

Getting Fit for the New Year

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!

It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to

become accustomed to

the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was

that the teacher

insisted on NO baby talk!



"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always

reminding them.



She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."



"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big

People' words!"



She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."



She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must

remember to use 'Big

People' words."



She then asked little Alec what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.



"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did

you read?"



Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his

chest with great

pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

The Perils of Cosmetic Surgery

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy
tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

Bob's Story

Bob's Story...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

Punishment for Stealing

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen a can of peaches and she said because she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can and she told him 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

"What is it?" asked the judge.

The husband replied, " She also stole a can of peas."